Apparently I got a lovely case of sun poisoning over the weekend. Which sucks enough on it's own, let me tell ya, but apparently it is going to effect my fertility as well. We went in on Monday (Yes, memorial day, they had to unlock the building just to see me) and my larger follicles haven't grown any and it seems like a few smaller ones may have gotten a little bigger. Still nothing we can work with. Then the doctor informed me that I have to drink insane amounts of water because of my sunburn. She said sunburns can dehydrate us on their own, and if I am not getting enough liquids my follicles won't grow. So if I don't drink like a gallon a day my follicles won't grow regardless of my injection dose. Ugh, I swear I have the worst luck. My vitamin D deficiency was an issue, so I thought heck yeah a day on the beach will be good for me! Wrong.
Lily and her cousin at the beach
Playing in the sand
I've apparently done all the wrong things in the cloth diaper department as well. I have been doing more and more research and apparently washing them in an HE front load washer is COMPLETELY different from washing them in a top loader. I've been using an insanely large amount of soap, no where near enough water, and not rinsing them completely. So I had to strip them. I tried the dawn method and it ended horribly for me. No matter how much I rinsed them in the sink before putting them in the washer for a final rinse I couldn't get the soap off and they foamed up like crazy. So about 12 rinse cycles later they were not soapy, but some still smelled of poop. So I decided to go with the hot water method. I threw all the clean diapers in the washer and put it on sanitary (extra hot) with no soap and set it on the longest cycle. They soaped up like crazy, my "clean" diapers were anything but. So after a few extra rinses I finally had good smelling diapers again. (Thank goodness) Now I have cut back my laundry soap drastically and I am continuing to cut it back while paying attention to how many rinses it takes to get them clean. I may finally be getting the hang of this.
Well my RE appt this morning actually went well. We aren't ready to ovulate, but it did seem like I had dominant follicles starting in both of my ovaries. One had a 11mm and the other had a 12mm, but we have to be careful because I also have about ten 7-8 mm follies in each ovary as well and I don't want any of those to get too big. I don't need my own TLC show thank you very much. (Though I LOVE Quints by Surprise, I follow them on Facebook and everything I'm addicted) So we are staying on the same dose I'm on and going back in again on Monday.
I also stripped Lily's diapers last night, which took FOREVER because Lily had a night terror and woke up while I still had a sink loaded with diapers. Plus I had to rinse them several times to get the suds to go away. They smelled fantastic when I finished so I thought it was successful, but when I smelled them this morning when they were dry they still smell like poop! It's so frustrating! So I have the stinkies in the wash again right now. I read somewhere that with HE washers they don't come clean because there isn't enough water and it is good to run them on the bulky/large setting, so I'm trying that. Plus I think I will turn them inside out and do another quick wash that way and see if it helps.
Here's Lily at ice cream with some friends. Always has to be the center of attention, lol.
Yeah, definitely not as exciting as it sounds. Apparently when I first got our cloth diapers I was using WAY too much detergent when I washed them. (Or at least I think that is what caused it) So now all poopy diapers have gained a permanent funk to them and it doesn't matter how often or long I wash them they still smell like poop. I even tried washing them in very hot water with no detergent to get rid of any buildup but it didn't seem to help. So tonight I have to strip all of them. (Insert sarcastic "woohoo" now) I have an HE washer so my plan is to fill one side of our kitchen sink with hot water and dawn (the blue one) and soak them for like 20 minutes, then turn them all inside out and soak for another 20. (They will have already been washed once when I do this.) Then I will fully rinse them on the other side of the sink to get all of the dish soap out so I don't mess up my washer. Then it's back down to the basement to rinse them one more time in the washer and make sure we have no bubbles. HOPEFULLY this will work and get the funk out. I have one diaper I have washed I know 5 times and it still smells horrible. Plus after sticking your nose in several poop smelling diapers to check them, that smell gets stuck in your nose and you smell it all day. :-/
I go back to the RE tomorrow morning to see if we have any good eggs. When I was there last week the doctor mentioned that we would need to make a decision this week on what we want to do. We talked about it and decided that if there is nothing growing by this ultrasound that we would just cancel this cycle. Tomorrow will be CD 24 for me, so waiting any longer for something to grow would be silly. I would be ovulating way too late in my cycle to have a good chance at getting pregnant. Obviously if I have any big enough to trigger we will, but if not we are better just starting over. I will likely wait a few weeks to get some finances in order before starting the provera, that way we will be prepared to start paying for ultrasounds again next month. If this cycle is a bust then we would've paid almost $2000 in a month for nothing, so we need a little bit of a break in between to get back on track before we jump into another cycle. I'm telling myself that even though this cycle may not have been successful in making me ovulate, we learned what doses of injections don't work for me so it will be easier and faster in the future. Still have my finger crossed for tomorrow though...
Went back to the RE this morning hoping for good news and I was sadly disappointed. I couldn't imagine that after 15 days of injections that I have NO dominate follies. Not even small ones! How can I go through 15 days of fertility injections and get no improvement at all? I know I have eggs, I know I can get pregnant, I have an almost two year old terrorizing my house to prove it. And I got pregnant with her on a lot less extensive fertility meds. So why is it that now that I'm on the no fail best fertility meds you can get, it's not working?!? I feel furious, but there is no one to be mad at. The doctor didn't do anything wrong. I've been taking my shots on the right dose religiously. There is no one to blame but I want to scream so bad I feel like I could explode. We can't afford another month of injections, we have to stop after this, so if it doesn't work it was all for nothing. And I had accepted there was a great chance I would not get pregnant, but I never imagined I would spend over a $1000 dollars and not even ovulate. It makes you feel broken. The things that my body should do naturally I need help with, and even then I can't get it to work. My body was designed to make and hold and feed babies, and I have failed in all those areas. I can't get pregnant without strong meds and a lot of help, I can't hold a pregnancy to term and had to deliver early because of preeclampsia and my baby had to fight to survive, and I couldn't breastfeed after she was born because no matter how hard I tried I could create enough milk to keep her fed. I fail at being a woman.
The doctor upped my dose (AGAIN) and wants me to come back in at the end of the week for another ultrasound. He said if there is nothing then we have to decide what we want to do. We can either continue a little longer with high doses and hope we finally get eggs, or he would give me provera to force my period so we could start over. I can't afford to start over, but it is taking so long I'm afraid we won't get any good eggs in time. I was so hopeful going into this, but it is quickly becoming a disaster.
So far I have been LOVING cloth diapers. The only downside I would say is the large start up cost, because you have to try and get enough diapers to switch over. Right now we are at 6 diapers but I have a few more already on the way. With 6 diapers I can successfully make it through a day, but I have to wash them daily to keep from using any disposables. Which is getting old FAST. I don't mind washing them, but having to do a small load everyday I know will begin to run up my electric bill more and it is tiring. Plus the outside cover of the diaper never dries as fast as I'd like it to! (I'd hate to see how long it takes those All in Ones to dry!) Other than that though everything is perfect.
My mother claims that when I left Lily with her the diaper "soaked through" and got her clothes wet. All I can guess is either it reached capacity or the soaker inside shifted while she was in her car seat and she bypassed it. I don't think it "soaked through the diaper", because I've been using them for days, and even using them overnight (when Lily usually pees through her disposables) and I've never had an issue.
Now that I have a core amount of name brand diapers that I've used and trust, (I've started out with bumgenius since they have the one year warranty) I'm starting to branch out and look for diapers on etsy and zulily. The handmade diapers are SO much cuter, and if I can find a couple individuals who do a good job making them I won't have to buy the name brand ones anymore, which are kinda boring. I'm also sticking with the one size pocket diapers since we are trying for another
baby. I would love to keep them for the next one and not have to buy
all new, and Lily should be fully potty trained by then.
Had another appointment with the RE this morning. (For you non infertile folks, that's a reproductive endocrinologist, and they help us make babies) I dread having to make the trip now. If I don't make an early appointment (before 10am) then by the time my appointment comes around he is already running an hour or more behind schedule and I'm waiting FOREVER. We also have an extra obstacle this time around because we have to get Lily to her Nana before we drive over an hour to get to the doctor. So a 9am appointment involves getting up at 5:30am, getting dressed, getting Lily up, dressed and fed, driving 30 minutes north to take Lily to her Nana, then driving the hour and a half south to the doctor. It is absolutely exhausting. Then afterwards we (or I if I'm solo that day) have to drive all the way back and get Lily to take her home. (Usually about 2 hours)
So all this explanation leads up to why I'm so upset. I've been on the shots for 10 days now and my ultrasound this morning showed tons of really small follicles, but nothing dominant. So I've turned myself into a pincushion this whole time and have nothing to show for it except an empty bank account. It is so frustrating. I just keeping telling myself it will be worth it in the end. He has me upping my dose and coming back in on Saturday for another ultrasound. Saturday morning also happens to be when Lily has dance class, so I still have to figure out how to work that. But Saturday also means no receptionists, which means no co pay when I go in, which means $180 I don't have to come up with immediately! I'm going to grasp onto that silver lining and tell myself that Saturday should be a good day. After another 5 days of injections I should have something to show for it, and I don't have to worry about paying when I go in. Yes....it should be a good day...
Deciding to come back and continue my blog after a VERY long break. We are still currently trying for baby #2, though still no luck yet. The femara apparently doesn't work for me anymore so we have had to move on to injections. I am currently in the middle of a gonal f cycle right now, but this is likely going to be the only one. It's SO expensive that we will have to take huge breaks in between cycles to save up the money. Each time it doesn't work you can't help but think "great, another $1000+ I just flushed down the toilet" but I do my best not to think like that. Definitely beginning to feel like a pincushion though with all these daily shots. Hopefully we will get lucky this month!
On a happier note: Lily is almost 2 years old now!
My teeny tiny preemie is a big girl! It's so hard to believe that the baby that I could hold with one hand is now SO BIG! Our worries have changed from how much milk she was getting and how little breast milk I was making to whether or not she is going to climb up onto the kitchen table again when I'm not looking or take crayons to my wall again. My oh my how our lives have changed.
We are going a trial run on cloth diapers right now to see what we think about them. Be bought 3 bumgenius pocket diapers and so far I like them. She had two big poops with no issues and last night I double lined it and she didn't pee through it in the night. Now I have to wash them though, I guess this is the true test on whether or not I will want to do cloth diapers long term! One good thing though is that the detergent we use is considered cloth diaper safe, so I won't have to change anything.
And happy mommies day to all the mommies!!! ESPECIALLY all the ones who were trying before and are now celebrating their first Mother's Day as mommies after a very long road!