Could it still be a maybe baby month?

I am taking 160mg soy and I am on CD 8 and I've had some crazy cramping today. My lower backs hurts like hell too. So I'm hoping that this means soy is going to work for me and I won't have to keep going back to the RE for Clomid! It's crazy how pain can make you happy sometimes. I might actually O this month and not waste it, which would be soooooo awesome.

I can't just sit and wait!!!

Today is CD 4 and all day yesterday I thought about whether or not I was going to take my soy that night. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. The idea drives me nuts. So I’m going to give in and take soy tonight. I’ll start at 200mg, since I O with Clomid at 100mg. I usually take the Clomid CD 3-9, so the soy will end up being CD 4-9 this month. This AF has been the worst. I absolutely feel like I am going insane. I cry everynight. Going through 7 cycles of Clomid with a doctor who thinks good things come to those who wait is enough to drive anyone bonkers. Everytime I ask about HSGs or p4s my RE is like, oh I think everything is fine there is no reason to do that stuff. So when I go to my new RE, if I find that there is anything wrong that is preventing me from getting pregnant, I am going to turn around and sue him for everything he has. I’m tired of wanting this more than anything in the world and him not giving a shit. I’m afraid the soy won’t work and that my CM is bad, well I know my CM is bad the doctor told me and then refused to do anything about it. “I’m not worried about your CM right now.” Ugh. But, we are going to try the soy and I am going to do my damnest to stay calm. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, maybe she can help me figure out how not to go crazy during all of this.

Hello, AF....you stupid bitch

I started this morning. Yippee for me. I am absolutely miserable. On top of the emotional stuff I'm dealing with from my most amazing and final chance not working, I am in soooooo much pain. This is definately one of the worst periods I've ever had. I don't know if it is from dropping two eggs or the twisted ovary I had earlier in the month, but this hurts a lot.

What the heck is going on?!?!

I am STILL spotting. It's about once every few hours, the size of a quarter, mostly CM with some brown in it. My temperature dropped this morning so I was like well, I expected it, I'll start today. And still nothing. I sometimes have a 16 day luteal phase, but I figured when the temp drop and spotting showed it wouldn't take that long. Why does everything have to be so difficult??? I was certain last night I wasn't pregnant and I cried like crazy, now I'm doubting myself and that sucks cuz I don't need to go through the disappointment twice.

Spotting

I started spotting today. It was like a brown sticky CM, but at 13 dpo I think it pretty much means I am going to start tomorrow. I'd like to convince myself that it could be implantation and it took a few days to work its way out, but I think I know better. My temperature was a down a little bit this morning and I thought that might have been a sign. This absolutely sucks. It hasn't fully hit me yet, since the flow hasn't started, but it is really going to suck tomorrow. I can already feel myself falling apart a little bit. I should've known that this month wasn't going to work, because I needed it to. This is our last month of treatment before we take a break because we can't afford it anymore. There will most likely be a lot of ranting from me tomorrow.

I don't know why I torture myself

I tested this morning, another BFN. I always say I am going to wait to test and then I never do. Plus, to make it worse, I looked at it again like and hour later and it was positive! Which I know means nothing, but that doesn't change the fact that it has me thinking even more now. I didn't wait the full 3 minutes when I used it, I waited like a minute and saw nothing was showing so I threw it away and moved on. No reason to sit there and stare at it under 10 different kinds of light. I guess I will have to test again in the morning and wait the full 3 minutes so I don't wonder like this again, and then I need to straight up burn the thing so I can't look at it again.

Holy cold sores, Batman!

I left work this morning with two cold sores that weren't there when it showed up and it suuuuuuuucks. They hurt so bad and it makes it look like I have a huge fat lip. I figured it was just because I've had a really bad cold lately. I've been all congested and sneezing and had headaches and coughing that would make me throw up, it has been horrible. I never considered that pregnancy lowers your immune system though, so maybe being sick and getting these cold sores is a good sign. It sucks, but I tend to accept all things that could be pregnancy symptoms. I googled whether cold sores could be a sign of pregnancy and I got a mixed of answers. Some said yes, definately, because pregnancy lowers the immune system and it actually tends to be very common in pregnant women. A few others completely denounced it, saying the hormones don't cause it and it would be too early to experience anything in the TWW anyway. I know for a fact that some women experience very early pregnancy symptoms so why would a cold sore be any different. It seem logical to me. Maybe that is just wishful thinking though.