Saturday, May 19, 2012

Still no good news...

Went back to the RE this morning hoping for good news and I was sadly disappointed. I couldn't imagine that after 15 days of injections that I have NO dominate follies. Not even small ones! How can I go through 15 days of fertility injections and get no improvement at all? I know I have eggs, I know I can get pregnant, I have an almost two year old terrorizing my house to prove it. And I got pregnant with her on a lot less extensive fertility meds. So why is it that now that I'm on the no fail best fertility meds you can get, it's not working?!? I feel furious, but there is no one to be mad at. The doctor didn't do anything wrong. I've been taking my shots on the right dose religiously. There is no one to blame but I want to scream so bad I feel like I could explode. We can't afford another month of injections, we have to stop after this, so if it doesn't work it was all for nothing. And I had accepted there was a great chance I would not get pregnant, but I never imagined I would spend over a $1000 dollars and not even ovulate. It makes you feel broken. The things that my body should do naturally I need help with, and even then I can't get it to work. My body was designed to make and hold and feed babies, and I have failed in all those areas. I can't get pregnant without strong meds and a lot of help, I can't hold a pregnancy to term and had to deliver early because of preeclampsia and my baby had to fight to survive, and I couldn't breastfeed after she was born because no matter how hard I tried I could create enough milk to keep her fed. I fail at being a woman.

The doctor upped my dose (AGAIN) and wants me to come back in at the end of the week for another ultrasound. He said if there is nothing then we have to decide what we want to do. We can either continue a little longer with high doses and hope we finally get eggs, or he would give me provera to force my period so we could start over. I can't afford to start over, but it is taking so long I'm afraid we won't get any good eggs in time. I was so hopeful going into this, but it is quickly becoming a disaster.

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