Could it still be a maybe baby month?

I am taking 160mg soy and I am on CD 8 and I've had some crazy cramping today. My lower backs hurts like hell too. So I'm hoping that this means soy is going to work for me and I won't have to keep going back to the RE for Clomid! It's crazy how pain can make you happy sometimes. I might actually O this month and not waste it, which would be soooooo awesome.

I can't just sit and wait!!!

Today is CD 4 and all day yesterday I thought about whether or not I was going to take my soy that night. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. The idea drives me nuts. So I’m going to give in and take soy tonight. I’ll start at 200mg, since I O with Clomid at 100mg. I usually take the Clomid CD 3-9, so the soy will end up being CD 4-9 this month. This AF has been the worst. I absolutely feel like I am going insane. I cry everynight. Going through 7 cycles of Clomid with a doctor who thinks good things come to those who wait is enough to drive anyone bonkers. Everytime I ask about HSGs or p4s my RE is like, oh I think everything is fine there is no reason to do that stuff. So when I go to my new RE, if I find that there is anything wrong that is preventing me from getting pregnant, I am going to turn around and sue him for everything he has. I’m tired of wanting this more than anything in the world and him not giving a shit. I’m afraid the soy won’t work and that my CM is bad, well I know my CM is bad the doctor told me and then refused to do anything about it. “I’m not worried about your CM right now.” Ugh. But, we are going to try the soy and I am going to do my damnest to stay calm. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, maybe she can help me figure out how not to go crazy during all of this.

Hello, AF....you stupid bitch

I started this morning. Yippee for me. I am absolutely miserable. On top of the emotional stuff I'm dealing with from my most amazing and final chance not working, I am in soooooo much pain. This is definately one of the worst periods I've ever had. I don't know if it is from dropping two eggs or the twisted ovary I had earlier in the month, but this hurts a lot.

What the heck is going on?!?!

I am STILL spotting. It's about once every few hours, the size of a quarter, mostly CM with some brown in it. My temperature dropped this morning so I was like well, I expected it, I'll start today. And still nothing. I sometimes have a 16 day luteal phase, but I figured when the temp drop and spotting showed it wouldn't take that long. Why does everything have to be so difficult??? I was certain last night I wasn't pregnant and I cried like crazy, now I'm doubting myself and that sucks cuz I don't need to go through the disappointment twice.

Spotting

I started spotting today. It was like a brown sticky CM, but at 13 dpo I think it pretty much means I am going to start tomorrow. I'd like to convince myself that it could be implantation and it took a few days to work its way out, but I think I know better. My temperature was a down a little bit this morning and I thought that might have been a sign. This absolutely sucks. It hasn't fully hit me yet, since the flow hasn't started, but it is really going to suck tomorrow. I can already feel myself falling apart a little bit. I should've known that this month wasn't going to work, because I needed it to. This is our last month of treatment before we take a break because we can't afford it anymore. There will most likely be a lot of ranting from me tomorrow.

I don't know why I torture myself

I tested this morning, another BFN. I always say I am going to wait to test and then I never do. Plus, to make it worse, I looked at it again like and hour later and it was positive! Which I know means nothing, but that doesn't change the fact that it has me thinking even more now. I didn't wait the full 3 minutes when I used it, I waited like a minute and saw nothing was showing so I threw it away and moved on. No reason to sit there and stare at it under 10 different kinds of light. I guess I will have to test again in the morning and wait the full 3 minutes so I don't wonder like this again, and then I need to straight up burn the thing so I can't look at it again.

Holy cold sores, Batman!

I left work this morning with two cold sores that weren't there when it showed up and it suuuuuuuucks. They hurt so bad and it makes it look like I have a huge fat lip. I figured it was just because I've had a really bad cold lately. I've been all congested and sneezing and had headaches and coughing that would make me throw up, it has been horrible. I never considered that pregnancy lowers your immune system though, so maybe being sick and getting these cold sores is a good sign. It sucks, but I tend to accept all things that could be pregnancy symptoms. I googled whether cold sores could be a sign of pregnancy and I got a mixed of answers. Some said yes, definately, because pregnancy lowers the immune system and it actually tends to be very common in pregnant women. A few others completely denounced it, saying the hormones don't cause it and it would be too early to experience anything in the TWW anyway. I know for a fact that some women experience very early pregnancy symptoms so why would a cold sore be any different. It seem logical to me. Maybe that is just wishful thinking though.

Anniversary

My anniversary present

Our anniversary was yesterday and it was pretty fantastic. We had an anniversary/ father's day picnic at our new house and I was able to get all of my immediate family and all of my DH's immediate family here. It all went amazingly well. The rain held off but did give us a nice breeze. I also didn't have my brother-in-laws new wife end up announcing a pregnancy or anything like that, cuz I know they are TTC just because we are and she has to have everything better than me. She pretends to be my friend, but she is one of those people that have to have all the attention so when she saw people checking up on me, since they know we are struggling, she decided she wants a baby. Even though they just moved out of her mother's house a few months ago. I try to make myself not care, but I know she isn't doing it for the same reason I am. I want to make my DH a daddy sooooo bad. Because he has no problems, so our infertility issues fall solely on me.

Right now I am 8 dpo. I tested this morning to make sure trigger was out of my system and got a BFN. So I can test from now on and be able to trust the results. I will test again on Wednesday morning at 10 dpo. So far no real symptoms except for some twinges here and there and some light cramping. Still trying to be hopeful and doing my damnest to keep the stress to a minimum.

Going INSANE

Yeah...so...I am going completely nuts. Sitting at home for two days has just given me the opportunity to sit here and think about it CONSTANTLY. I'm going crazy! I find myself sitting here and looking up information on how more than one follie can increase you chances and what the chance of twins would be, and blah blah blah. UGGGH! I need to go back to work so I can stop thinking. I do this every frikkin month, I just can't seem to shake it. Because every month I somehow convince myself that our chances this month are better than the last, so I want to research everything. I had 2 follies and everything was perfectly on time. Last month I knew I ovulated late, so I wasn't as obsessive. I swear....this month I just can't help it! I know we all wish we could click our heels and be at 14dpo, but I am like extra crazy this month. I'm at the borderline between optimistic and ridiculous. I also think I feel more pressure this month because it is our last month of TTC. I'm on my 7th clomid cycle in a row and the twisted ovary was probably my body telling me that it has had enough. So we will take a break and I will probably try a few soy cycles and see how that works for me. *sigh* But...there's always this little voice in the back of my head saying that if clomid and IUIs didn't work then I have no chance of being successful with herbal alternatives. I don't just want this cycle to work, I need it to work. And the stress isn't helping.

Ovulated the Day of my IUI

I took my temp this morning and it spiked! Which means I ovulated yesterday and I had my IUI yesterday morning! I'm trying not to get too excited, but it is really hard to stay calm. I don't want to go getting my hopes up, but we have never had a chance this good before. Ovulating with 2 follies the day of my IUI is so absolutely fantastic! I'm taking some baby aspirin, B6, and a couple days off of work so that I give this cycle everything I have. I don't want to have any regrets. I thought about a NPC, but I'm a little worried about using it and my doctor swears I don't need it. The only bad thing about having a couple days off from work is that I have nothing to distract me and I find myself thinking about it all day. I reaaallly need a distraction so I can keep my stress level down.

IUI #2

I had my IUI this morning, and it hurt...as usual. But nothing that isn't COMPLETELY worth it. What's sad is that my doctor walked in and was like "Is this your first IUI?" And I'm like uhhhh no, you are the one who did it last month. Way to remember....loser. I now have tomorrow and Tuesday off, so I have a couple days to just chill and try to relax. I went straight back to work after my first IUI and I really regretted it. I was in a bunch pain, so I'm looking forward to being back to relax this time around. Hopefully those 2 follies will be good luck. :)

2 big follies!!

I just came back from the RE's office. I have TWO follies, one on the right and one on the left. One is 22mm and the other is 23mm (though I don't remember which was which right now, I was too busy trying not to flip out) They gave me 10,000 units of HCG and my IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:30am. We go to the lab so DH can give his swimmers at 8am (which means I have to leave the house at 6:30 to get there. Bleh!) and then we hang around until time to put them in. After having a twisted ovary this cycle, it is nice to get some good news. My uterine lining was only 9 though, so hopefully that will get a little better because I've had better in the past. I bought some baby aspirin and B6 that I will start taking today. Maybe that will be the extra little boost I need. After 7 months of Clomid I'll try practically anything.

I deserve it too

Why does it bother me so much that my friend is pregnant? I sit here thinking and I'm like she is my friend, her boyfriend is my friend, I am very happy that they are happy, and I wish the best for them. I love that they are having a baby! But once I read a myspace comment about her morning sickness I go right back to just being angry and upset. I love her to death....so why does it hurt so much? I feel like the only way to not be hurt all the time is to move away and lock myself away. If you have no friends then you have no one to get pregnant and rub it in your face, right? Ugh...that's a horrible way to think. When my PCOS friends get pregnant it doesn't seem to bother me though. I guess they earned it in my eyes. I feel like I'm working hard for something that everyone else is getting by chance. It's like all other women have to do is wake up in the morning and say "Let's have a baby" and boom, they're pregnant. I kinda want them to work as hard as I do. It's like you study and study for a test to get an A, and the teacher gives everyone else an A automatically without taking the test. I hurt because they are pregnant and I'm not, and then I feel guilty for feeling and thinking the way I do, which then just makes me feel worse! UGH!

Doctors SUCK

My insurance has moved from little to nothing when it comes to coverage. The ultrasounds are costing $200 each now, which is ridiculous. And my doctor has this "just be patient" attitude when I ask about things like how my CM is the wrong pH and a possible progesterone problem. I'm soooooo close to going to a different doctor. If I am paying you an insane amount of money, you could atleast CARE! I'm counting pennies to afford all of these IUIs and HCG injections and Clomid prescriptions, so I would rather not waste time when there could be another problem. He has NEVER given me a blood test. He doesn't do a follow-up ultrasound to make sure I ovulated. He even thought that when I ovulated 5 days past my HCG shot and 4 days past my IUI that everything was still "in a good timeframe". I honestly don't think he cares. I would like to clear up the CM problem so that I could maybe stop the painful and expensive IUIs, but I think he is too interested in the money. If I have fertile CM, I might not need him as much. I don't make enough money to continue my fertility treatments much longer, so I really wish he would start paying attention.

Twisted Ovaries and IUIs

The RE told me today that the reason I have been in so much pain is because I have a twisted ovary, but it has apparently righted itself on its own. Ovulation this weekend is going to really suck if it has hurt this much just with the little follies growing. Today (June 9th) I had two good follies, one was 16mm and one was 14mm, one in each ovary. Which is AMAZING because until now, through all 6 of my past Clomid cycles, my right ovary has been silent! I mean no little follies or anything. Completely unresponsive. And now I have a 14mm follie in it!!! Seriously! So that alone is pretty amazing. It is a step forward, which is something I haven't had in a very very long time. It feels good to at least be moving in the right direction and feel like we are getting closer to getting pregnant. It may be 2 inches in a journey that is miles long, but it is 2 inches I didn't have before. Sooner or later, all those inches are going to add up.
My doc had me move my June 11th appointment to Saturday, June 13th. He doesn't think my follies will be ready by the 11th. Which, I'm okay with, but I could technically get the HCG shot today because the follies are big enough. Whatever, the bigger the better! Maybe by Saturday I will have two crazy huge follies and then I can get the IUI the next day. That would be awesome. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping my ovaries and tubes stay uncrossed! From what I read online, twisted ovaries can end very badly. A good majority of the causes end in the woman losing her ovary! So I got lucky. I'm so thankful I'm okay that I almost feel greedy to ask for a baby this month on top of it. But who knows, maybe I've earned it this month (so to speak). If I have to deal with this pain to get pregnant, then so be it. I would walk through fire at this point if it meant I could have a baby. And it feels like I do sometimes with these crazy Clomid hot flashes! I know every other infertile woman TTC feels the exact same way though. I've never seen more devoted people. The strength I see is absolutely amazing. I wish I could be as patient and tough as my cysters out there. I find myself having a breakdown everytime AF shows. I wonder what the secret is to staying so strong. I guess you just become numb to the pain after a while.